All of us here in Hawaii are very well aware that Timothy Richard Tebow won the 2007 Heisman Trophy in New York on December 8th. What some of us here do not know is that Tebow got a letter of congratulations from Chuck Norris. Yes, the Chuck Norris that won a game of Connect Four in three moves. Yes, the same Chuck Norris that is listed as the number two killer in the Untied States, right behind heart disease. And yes, the very same Chuck Norris that counted to infinity twice. Hearing this story immediately made me wonder : What if Colt had won the Heisman, which martial arts expert/action movie star would send Colt a letter of congratulations and what would it sound like?Here's what I think a couple of those letters might sound like:
Steven Seagal:
Mr. Colt Brennan,
I would like to congratulate you on your Hyman Trophy Award for your excellence in the sport of Soccer. You know Soccer is very similar, if not, exactly like my favorite discipline Aikido. Aikido has been called the way of unifying life with energy and in Soccer you kick a ball into a net. Aikido involves throws and joint locks while in Soccer you kick a ball into a net. My publicist tells me you will be playing in the Sugar Ball against the Georgia Pit Bulls. One bit of advice I can give you is to get into their heads. When you get near the net, you should tell the opposing goalie "I'll take YOU to the bank…. the BLOOD bank". You know, the famous line from my movie Hard to Kill. It's probably your favorite movie of all time, I know it's mine. It won four Oscars or Grammys, whatever one is for the movies. I always confuse the two. I hope my movies have been as much of an inspiration to you as they are to me. Good luck to you and Aloha.
Namaste Brother,
Steven Seagal
Jean-Claude Van Damme:
Bonjour Colt Brennan,
Congratulations on your trophy winning. Your undefeated record is very similar to my undefeated Kickboxing career. Since you are a big fan of mine, you may ask me: Jean-Claude, (Jean-Claude is what my fans call me, as you know) did you not lose a Kickboxing fight to Patrick Teugels in Orlando in 1979? Please do not ask this question because that is when I would display my powerful Shotokan-ryu Karate kicks to send you twisting and flipping in slow motion, as it happens in my movies like Bloodsport and Last Action Hero. Let me cut to your chase, I would like to do a movie with you that, hopefully, will be as successful as Double Team with, my favorite actor, Dennis Rodman. You will play star quarterback "Colt Brenin" ( I came up with the name myself) and I will play myself (Jean-Claude Van Damme or Jean-Claude as my fans call me) and together we will stop terrorists from blowing up the Aloha Stadium while saving my daughter (Jean-Claude the Second) . It's called Sudden Death 2: Overtime. The tagline will be "Terror goes into double-overtime". Good luck with the kickball.
Aloha!
Au Revoir,
Jean-Claude Van Damme
PS- You will need to colour your hair bleach blonde for the movie
I'm sure that Colt regrets missing games, not running up the scores and playing, what "experts" call, a weak schedule mostly because of the possibility of receiving letters of congratulations like the examples above. I guess that Heisman trophy would've been nice, too.
- Barnaby "White Shoes" Pedroia
9 comments:
is that true? chuck norris wrote to tim teebow>? that's so lame! was teebow even alive when chuck norris was famous>?
Chuck Norris really did write a letter to Tebow, that part was not a joke. They had it on Sports Center.
very witty writing. My favorite part of the whole thing is the signed pictures by jcvd and ss. keep up the good work guys!
How about this. . .Dear Colt, I am sorry for being such an idiot to you and the Hawaii team this year, because you know, in the second game of the season, Hawaii let La Tech score lots of points and, I'm sorry as I only watched the LaTech game and assume Georgia will beat you guys pretty soundly, because well you know Latech scored over 40 on you guys so I figured that you know LaTech this and LaTech that and Latech is the only team you guys palyed this year, so Gerogia will score what 88 on you guys,but anyway, congratulations on a fine season and, I tried to rate you higher then that Delaware QB Flacco, but I really don't like Hawaii because I am an a$$ so um I won't and you're still the 5th best QB on my draft board, even if Flacco can't hit the side of a barn (never saw him play but he is 6'6", so he must have a great arm).
When you do start for an NFL team and are successful I'm sure the Hawaii fans will write and write and write to me about how wrong I was.
Mel Kiper Jr.
how about this one:
dear colt,
I hate you! you ruined my life! this could have been me. you should have left and made millions, and bought us soap!
god bless,
tyler graunke #6
HAHAHAHA!
That's a good one RCL...
I got one....
Dear, Colton
TRUST ME! You're better off not winning it.
Sincerely,
Andre Ware, Gino Torretta, Danny Wuerffel, Charlie Ward, Eric Crouch, Chris Weinke, Jason White, and Troy Smith
Chee-Hoo!
- Rob DeMello
If Jet Li wrote:
Dear Colt:
Just like me in "Romeo Must Die", I was unjustly accused, imprisoned, had to go away. But then, I returned, again and again, like in the remaking of the classic "Fists of Fury" even though I am not as good as Bruce Lee, I am cool like him.
I know I am good, but they still make me out to be the strong, silent type, even with all my skills, they underrate me.
So I play a comedian, like Jackie Chan, but cool like Bruce Lee. I do it all, but yet, I know I going win in the end, because I have talent, I am the star.
You will end up the hero in the end, I always do. Just don't dye your hair or put scotch tape to make your eyes slant ok?
Oh so sorry, that was before they found Asians to act like Asians. You weren't born yet. Congrats and no mind my English, still learning.
All my chi, and ying yangs, Kung hee fa choi........JET LI
Damn! These are some fantastic letters. I'm a little nervous about my job here. Am I safe, Rob?
YOU KNOW I LOVE ALL YA GUYS THERE. AS WHY I COMMENT.......YA GOOD TA GO ......CYA L8R
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